goosebumps

helo..

i’ve been very busy for the past four days preparing materials for today’s meeting. but nothing being discussed on the costings at the meeting. however, no disappointment because im satisfied and relieved that i’ve prepared and finished the work for the next few weeks. so im quite free now to update the blog. come join me =)

its the end of the year and school holidays start today! so, days (especially weekends) in the month of november and december have been circled for wedding invitations. apparently, couples choose to get married during school holidays. families would gather to help around. and many expecting guests could come to their receptions. then you can see what a kenduri kahwin really looks like. the chaos and havoc-ness. from the kompangs to the silat, to the blarings karaoke-wedding-themed songs from the speakers which can be heard throughout the whole kampung, and so on =D

this weekend, my officemate is getting married and i’ve bought her wedding present since monday. i’m already excited for the wedding whereas she is all nervous already hehe congratulations aminah!

it got me thinking actually. MARRIAGE. i wonder how does it feels like?

how do you know you have met THE one? how do you feel? do you really love him? does he really loves you? can you accept him? can he accept you? how ready you are to get married? how committed you are towards the relationship and are you willing to spend your lifetime with your other half?

being at few friends’ weddings, then it really got me thinking. at my age, they are married and ready for a family. whereas i think it is still early. do they had enough time to really work, earn money and spend every penny worth your every sweat?

a friend explained my every doubts one by one. and she ended the conversation by saying, be patient. i nodded my head.  i will experience all the wonderful and beautiful things soon. and how i would like to shift and make each step forward in every phase of a relationship. 

from friends to marriage.

from just me-and-you to the me-you-and the kids.

and the list just goes on.  

i wonder how would that be? i really scratched my not-itchy-head. i like to pull out few strands of hair when i am really concentrating or when i put on my thinking cap. and the hair in the middle part looks a little thinner already.

i’ve heard so many stories. about successful and unsuccessful marriages. i have no rights to question about this, its all in the hands of God.

but it really gives me the creep. i never dare to dream about my dream guy, whom should i be married to. will he be a handsome guy from a well to do family. educated, well spoken, religious, etc etc?

i know everybody is not perfect and so do i. so i cant expect my dream guy to be the person next to the king. or i cant wish for a guy who knows everything. im afraid to wish for a guy that fulfills every criteria that i want, and obviously, im even more scared to dream about marriages. afraid that i wont get what i want. afraid that i wont be satisfied with the person. afraid that i cant accept his weaknesses. and afraid he cant accept me for being me..

see, goosebumps already! and i cant say that im ego and turn my back against marriage. its all in His hands. i cant say no to what has been written and destinied for me. i can only put my hands together and pray for the best for myself and my future beyond.

people said, sometimes God doesnt grant what we wish and want, instead He gives us what we need. i have nothing to comment on this. only He knows best for each and everyone of us.

so, by not having found my significant other (yet) means that i will not be having any beautiful imaginations on marriages and having that walking-on-cloud-nine feelings and ready for commitments yet? only He can answer that. as i said for the zillionth times in my previous posts, there is no harm in giving time some time, right?

p/s: but its funny when reading on heart breaks or searching for love all kinds of entries, and you can instantly fell in love with the blogger. a male blogger, i mean hehe feels like you just want to jump in and be his saviour from the drifting in the sea of love haha just funny~

some female friends have designated blog just to update on their wedding preparations. women, fullstop. =D

get-togetherness

helo..

i had such a great day over the weekend. an unexpected event + wacky friends = it was a blast saturday! hehe  

i kicked off the saturday morning with a dose of facebook and some dance action from korean boybands on the youtube. wow! they really worked their body hehe you can check out the youtube and browse for super junior and big bang. they sing and dance superbly! but i’ve never watched them in live shows, whether they have the same energy to really dance and catch up their breath to sing huhu

i had few things in mind that i need to settle off this week. the car needs some scrubbing and the hair needs some snipping. so, luckily i woke up early and had everything done by noon. the car is spotlessly clean and shiny. and i just love my new haircut =) i believe its short and sweet. just like what i wanted.

as i walked out of the saloon, my dear friend, tasha called.

“kimamima, aren’t you coming to fizah’s wedding?”

“what? its today? i thought its next week? ohh..i have to go back first to change and we’ll meet there k tasha!” thanks tasha for reminding me!

ohh..luckily the hair is done hehe so i hurried drive back home from melawati to sungai buloh to change and straight away to shah alam for the wedding. i did all that in less than an hour. hows that for a lady driver? hehe thanks to fast car actually and my competency hehe

i met mamu and amiaq first. thanks amiaq and mamu for the ride! then, we went together to the hall. later, we united with other uni friends. a friend came all the way from sarawak  for the wedding and another friend from kelantan. while others were from all over klang valley. and i love such gatherings where friends sit around the table, share the joke, and the whole table shook to our laughs. especially when the boys started to talk nonsense or any x-rated jokes hehe the girls will giggle and join the fun.

although not all of our friends came for the wedding but there were the married couples, the single and still searching bachelors and bachelorettes, love-is-in-the-air couples, and few soon-to-get-married hehe 

ohh i forgot. congratulations to siti nurhafidzah and her spouse.

one down, and many more to go hehe

after few photography sessions with the bride and groom, we headed to a mamak restaurant nearby for a glass of teh tarik each, accompanied with few more laughters and tears. it was fun, meeting old friends. catching up on what everybody is doing. discussing on our jobs, or quantity surveying related problems and how we share experiences among ourselves. its been a while we haven’t had these get-togetherness. thanks chewe for the treat!

thank you friends who made my cheeks sore due to overdoses of laughters all the way hehe

and that night, we had webcam-ing session with the scotlands. they are coming next week. uhh really really cant wait! =D

i had such a great and long saturday.

and on the lazy sunday, i let myself in the bed for a few more extra hours. but the eyes already popped at 10 am. that is still considered early on a weekend right? hehe

i climbed up the rambutan tree, plucked the ripe ones and ate them on the tree. like a real jungle girl you see, and still in my pyjamas hehe then, did some laundry and helped mama in the kitchen, preparing for lunch. and only at 5.30 pm i had my bath. only with a cause, to hunt for mama’s vases at the nearby nurseries.

in the end, mama got herself 6 vases, 4 petunias, 2 more flowers that i dont know what the name is and 3 bags of soil and fertilizers. all costs her only rm75. back at home mama pestered abah to hang her petunias on that very night. greens really freshen and made everything looked so alive you see. the flowers are so vibrant and made the house looked cheerful despite of the cloudy dusts from the renovations.

well, that is how my weekend goes. i know its lame but i enjoyed it. and next week, my weekends will be more fun! the two toddlers will be at home yeyy! i can bully those kids for real hehe *devil grins*

p/s: i will further my studies soon =)

 

oh ya..next gathering will be in serdang, ija’s wedding =)

 

sorrow

this morning i received another heart breaking news. another friend lost his father, due to stroke.

al-fatihah to uncle daud.

his son always told me stories about his father. he was originally from the indonesia. until one day, i met him personally. he was a very nice man. and very friendly indeed. this friend of mine brought his family over to my house for hari raya open house, few years back. i still remembered uncle daud was the most dashing and outstanding as he was wearing a brown indonesian batik shirt. mama and abah exchanged words with him and his wife while i was busy running up and down fetching food and drinks from the kitchen to the hall. they were very humble indeed. since he was from the indonesia so he still had the accent. i overheard their conversations. sounds funny but i liked it.

later, i did visit this family occasionally until before i moved to sabah for work. for after over a year i havent met uncle daud until today, i heard the news, i was so sad and heart broken. my hands trembled when i read the sms, that he passed away. i could only pray for him in my prayers. God listens, i believe.

it’s his time already. the angel has come to take him away. be strong my dear friend, God loves him more. let him rest in peace and may his soul be amongst those whom He loves.

hence, love and appreciate our fathers and mothers while they can still share the laughters and sorrows with us through their breathing days.

dear God, i pray to you to spare the parents for the children. and spare the children for the parents. make us appreciate the loves You showered and bestowed upon us. amin.

im sorry mama, abah

sometimes i have been very ungrateful..

since mama and abah came back to KL after abah’s retirement, its always the three of us at home. siblings are pursuing their educations. so, i’ll be the “only” child when they are at school.

anyway, big brother and family are coming back to malaysia in less than a month. uhhh~ cant wait!!

mama really pampers me i must say. at this age, im the one who should be cooking or preparing breakfast for mama and abah. instead, mama woke up early, prepared breakfast for abah and packed some for me. as she knows that i’ll always wake up only in due time to rush for work. if its sandwich that morning, i’ll just grab it and eat whilst driving. how convenient is that? heh!

but i like to praise mama. you’ll notice her face glowing hehe cheeky me eh? “mama, your sandwich is so nice la. can i have some more tomorrow?“. sure did!

 call me jack of all trade. capable of doing just about anything. anything that mama and abah ask me to do. being a child, i have to obey them. it is actually my responsibility as a child you see. it is already my turn to return all the favours for them. well, part of it is driving. to any part of malaysia. just about anywhere. any shortcuts, highways, will be at the back of my hand. and i know specific potholes at which road to be avoided.  being a driver for my parents will be my part-time job responsibility during the weekends hehe

being the driver, i have the authority though hehe i’ll take them to places where  i want to go. abah hates shopping malls. he only agrees to ikea. where he can find stuffs for his toolbox collections. but bringing mama and abah to shopping malls is like taking small kids to toy shops hehe i have to say NO to most of things they want to buy for our already-crowded-with-furniture house.

and sometimes i have to either be on abah or mama’s side when they argue on things. but mostly i’ll be on mama’s side or she’ll sulk! when her face frowns, it’ll be the end of the world hehe abah only grins even if he is losing. he has the veto power to make any decisions. so mama will always leave the decision making to abah hehe

still, im not grateful for having lovely parents whom colour my days.

sometimes, i do need some time of my own. you know what i mean. lucky i do not have any boyfriends yet. so, most of the time i’ll spend my time at home, with my parents. i need that extra hours on bed on weekends. if im late from work mama will call every ten minutes asking my whereabouts. and if i had meet ups with friends after work, i’ll have to be back at home by 10pm. or else, my ears will be all red, being pulled by abah. real hard, i mean.

mama, abah, im such a big girl now. i know how to take care of myself. i know how to manage my time. please dont worry so much bout me. just give me some freedom, please.

still im not grateful here.

being protective parents they are, i was always not allowed to join my friends for any adventurous trips. there was once i missed my island trip with friends to pulau perhentian. there was also another trip to langkawi which they forbid me. and even a road trip to a friend’s wedding up in north. and yes, class trip to singapore. NONE that i joined.

mama and abah always come out with thousand of reasons to disapprove me joining those trips. they said, if i really wanted to go, someday they’ll bring me there with the whole family. just pray hard to God. so, vacation is about family affairs, not with friends. pity me! and of course, the favourite phrase over and over again, “listen, i only have four children yada yada“

see, i am STILL not being grateful here. but im not a rebel. i think i never show my disagreement towards them. God forbids us to disrespect our parents even with the simplest word “uh”. but my hard-headness always hurt them somehow. never that i realized that. 

 but somehow, today, it strucked right through my chest. and knocked me hard on the head.

my dear friend lost her mother two days ago.  we’ve been friends since primary school. we were both newbies. she just came back from canada at time. and i was from KL. we both didnt know how to speak in the northern accent and always laugh at those funny words when having girls talk with other northern friends during recess.

sometimes, we were rivals too. trying to be extraordinary from the other. to be more excel than the other. but we are best buddies. in standard six, we attended an english tuition together. my mother would pick her up and send us to the class together. and back from the class, it’ll be her mother’s turn to send me back home. her mother, was a very nice lady.

she was very fair and tall. i didnt had much conversation with her as i was still a kid, you see. but she let me share anything her kids had during my ride back home from the tuition class. i still remembered she was driving a gold volvo, left hand drive. she’ll stop me exactly in front of the house. with a loud thank you, i ran to the house.

that was the only time i met her mother. but i still keep  in touch with my dear friend here. and today, she posted on her facebook that her mother was gone. i was dumbstrucked for a while. and made me stop doing my office work and concentrate on writing this post today.

al-fatihah for aunty yuhainis.

she made me realized that i was being ungrateful all this while.

made me realized that i was not appreciating my parents much.

afraid that one day when they’re gone, i’ll regret everything i did. and not appreciating their presence. and during that time, i’ll whine like a crazy woman, asking for forgiveness for all the sins i did to them before.

astaghfirullah. dear God, spare their lives for the dear children. please do not let me be an ungrateful child. let me appreciate their love.

how could not i see the unconditional love and attention they’ve been pouring to me? what was i blinded of?

and i thank dear God today, that He made me realize everything, before its too late.

mama abah, i am really sorry. im such an ungrateful child. i took everything for granted. i love both of you so much. i’ll hug and kiss you more everyday.

p/s: today, i eat the fried meehoon that mama packed for me this morning with tears.

late nite craps

helo..

i cant sleep..

my body is aching due to hardwork at the office (heh!). but im still tossing and turning since an hour ago. i dont know whats been tangling inside my brain. im not sure whether its the left or right brain. but it feels very heavy in the middle. mm..i think theres none to be worried of. well, care to accompany me tonite? thanks..

i kept thinking bout this phrase. “our name is our virtue”. i think it’s from jason mraz’s – i’m yours.

i must say i agree with it. because our name proves who we are. our names made us to go for the extra miles.

our names made us to do wonders, beyond boundaries, beyond the mountains and across the sea.

our names also made us to be the extraordinary, distinguish us from others.

 the world nowadays only cares bout who you are. by name, you can be fame.

modern parents nowadays even put fancy names for their babies. lily mysara. cahaya rizqi. to name a few. for whatever reason i created those names hehe 

just look at those designers. jimmy choo. rizalman ibrahim. bill keith. to name few local designers who made their name a big hit, internationally.

and i salute tun dr. mahathir who made malaysia known worldwide. and people recognized malaysia because of his name.

and sometimes, name can also will bring you down the drain. name who is famous for the wrong reason. convicts. murderers. addicts etc.

names distinguish you from another. names also differs the services you get. names categorize you. its all about name.

well, i do not have any idea where will my name be carved in the future. in the guinness book of records? for whatever attempts? hehe dream on girl. 

but, im taking babysteps. leading to where my name should be. i want to prove that size doesnt matter.

i just hate criticism. especially from those who barely know you. just an acquaintance. a friend of a friend of mine. who has no mouth insurance like those hollywood celebs.

do not judge a person from the surface. as you dont know his/her real conditions are. what he/she has to go through his/her daily life or routine? and you just utter unsignificant words which merely describes the particular person. you have no rights at all to judge.

see, sometimes, arrogance is someone’s middle name. they forgot who were they before. where they come from. forgot the hardships they’ve gone through before. when they’re on top, their heads are held up high. hooked by the nose all the way up to the sky. i just hope they’ll stumbled upon a tree, ripped and bleed their nosen, then they’ll know!

well, names can make you forget all that. and in this category, i cant list them because there are too many. i am not just blankly putting them here. these are all based on facts. reality. firsthand experience. 

hmm..i think i need motivations. and a serious vacation. too much whinings can make me go cranky.

but i think i have been thinking very positively since i started working. really. i get back on my feet quite fast after few hiccups and soak the pillow with tears for a nite or two. and God’s willing, im strong again. i think its because i have my very strong backbone to support me all the while, mama and abah.

but i must say its mama. mama has been my shoulder to cry on since forever. i poured everything to mama. but abah has been a good advisor too. anything relates to work, i’ll go to him.

speaking about abah. i had the scariest ride with abah today. i promise, i’ll never let him drive again next time!

oh dear, its really late for me to stay up and update a blog on a weekday. tomorrow is a working day! should stop now.

p/s: i have a crush. my heart skipped a beat whenever i saw him. but i bet he never notices me. and i bet he’s not into me at all. his eyes are just widely shut. damn it!

ohh never mind dear kimamima. there are so many bees buzzing around from flower to flower out there. finally one will find a flower with the sweetest nectar. just a matter of time, dear. patience is virtue too. 

nitey nite!

discrimination

i am very sad and frustrated indeed when body built is an issue. when physical is judged and being the reason of rejection.

“reject those fat ones. they are just too annoying. their flabby fats on their body are too ugly. they cant do much work. they can only think of food. ngabihkan boreh jo“ said an officer.

another officer came in “yeah, and the small ones too. they cant do much work too. they’ll only make our group photos looked ugly. useless.”

uhh~ that is so harsh. but that is reality. face it.

whats with the physical judgement? do normal people able to do everything? are normal people good in everything?

im referring “normal” as in a person having normal body built. ideal height. just enough fat and flesh. ngam ngam soi. and sometimes, normal people comes in full package, pretty/handsome faces.

asians are associated with petiteness. and my context of petiteness in this post is being petite than a petite. get me?

anyway, does working in the office requires only those with 1.65cm and above? so that he/she able to take files kept at high cabinets? or those tall people think better because their brain are higher than those petites?

do normal people could work harder because they dont have the extra fats surrounding their flesh and bones like the fat people have that make them lazy? 

hey! that is just plain stupid. the brain that matters la dey! the confidence one has. the attractive appearance. the interesting characteristics. how she/he carries herself/himself. those exceptional qualities.

that’ll distinguish one from another. not the size that matters.

if we are talking about recruitment as a police officer, or an army. or even a stewardess. then, i’ll  have to agree with the height issues here. but this is a recruitment to work in an office im talking about. where you dont need the fitness to march in lines, or carry heavy guns and bazookas. the least you need your fitness is to climb up the stairs!

but being human, tends to judge based on first impression.

i am upset. rejected for being a petite. i was given stupid reasons of rejection just to cover up. i know they have choices. so, they choose. but im revealing my unsatisfaction because i know i did better than most of them. most of them who was born with normal body built. they do not inherit their petiteness from their ancestors. just being lucky, heh! we petites are capable of doing just about anything and everything that a normal person do. im not talking about myself alone. i’ve heard many stories and experiences from other people.

there is also a case where a lady with body issues applied for teaching. and she was rejected for being fat. damn it! its already in the media. you should know it.

well, i guess, if they think those “normal” people with dirty minds can run the government well, so be it. be bias. just downgrade us. make us feel bad being in our own skin. let inferiority be our food. and shame as our everyday attire. just make us feel like a loser already.

let those actually qualified people go to waste. let us deal with our body issues until we are qualified enough to be one of your so-called elite squads.

please, i beg you. dont distinguish us based on the physical built. think wise in making decisions. i know which you normal people are good at.

anyway, petites have loud voices too.

“duduk sama rendah, berdiri sama tinggi”.

curiosity

helo..

hari ni rasa macam nak share this post in mixed language, or manglish hehe nak relax sikit. taknak uptight and stress sgt dgn post2 yg boring. walaupon takde org nak singgah, but i dont care hehe

life sekarang ni mmg bergantung kat kereta. nak pegi mana-mana mesti drive walaupun jaraknye takdela jauh sgt. manja. sebab tu jgkla banyak sgt kereta on the road. tiap-tiap hari pon ada je org beli kereta baru. tgk jela no. plat. masa plan nak beli kereta dulu, baru WSV tapi kejap je sekarang dah WTC. nnti bila dah WTF ke WTH ke mesti lagi ramai nak beli haha!!

so jalan kat malaysia ni akan sesak la tiap-tiap hari. setiap masa. especially KL la. bukan government tak ambil pro-active inisiatives utk kurangkan traffic jam. macam-macam public transport dah disediakan. name it. LRT, transit bus, etc. tapi kita still nak the comfort of our own car kan? tak kesahla kena tuang minyak lebih sikit ataupun bayar tol sepanjang jalan, asalkan air-cond menderu-deru kena direct kat muka.

ehh, saya tak tuding jari kat sape-sape. sebab saya pon macam tu hehe saje nak join the crowd on the road =D

tapi, sebenarnya saya takdela suka sangat driving ni sebab kena menghadap drivers yang kurang siuman, kurang pengetahuan, kurang kesedaran, kurang sensitiviti dan yang paling kurang sekali, kurang ajar. takyah explain la kot. ada yg sengih2 dah tu =D

tapi ni ada beberapa perkara yg saya nak share berdasarkan pemerhatian sepanjang enam tahun behind the wheels and i’ve driven about ten different cars already. from japanese cars to continental. from the smallest kancil to the biggest ninja king. if you see my size, you’ll be surprised hehe kadang-kadang driver sebelah toleh dua kali. betul ke kereta ni ada driver? hahaha

here are my observations..hehe

1. err, lelaki memang ada isu ke kalau perempuan drive kereta yang laju sikit dari kereta dia? tercalar ego yek? *coff coff* =D

2. women are the most lousy drivers on earth. especially makcik-makcik, akak-akak, amoi-amoi sekalian. walaupon kereta anda hebat, tidak bermakna pemanduan anda juga hebat. ehh saya pon perempuan tapi saya tak drive macam perempuan lain. serius lemas kalau drive belakang bontot women drivers. nak kata extra cautious pon tidak. menyusahkan orang lain adela.

3. kadang-kadang ada jgk driver yg drive 60km/hr on the fast lane. mmg nak kena honk la ni! kita bagi high beam, signal kanan, tapi dia buat tak reti jgk. tak paham ke ignorant? bukan kita nak berlagak. tapi masing-masing ada agenda sendiri. just dont take your own sweet time on the fast lane.

4. sometimes, kita ni sket punya la bumper to bumper queue up for the traffic light. tiba-tiba datang la mana-mana kereta selit je nak potong queue. kita dah rapat dgn kereta depan taknak bagi dia masuk tapi dia masuk jgk. mmg kena honk jgk la baru puas hati. kalau bagi signal ke angkat tangan ke, kita sedap hati la sikit. ini tak, dia bagi kita middle finger balik?! memang kurang ajar kan!

4. yes, ini situation yang memang selalu sgt berlaku. especially highways. kita tgh laju at the fast lane. suddenly, there came another car yg a bit laju than kita la kan. pastu cucuk-cucuk suruh kita make way. fine..bila kita give way je, dia take over kat depan kita plak sbb nak masuk exit sebelah kiri. at the very last minute plak tu! bleh imagine tak situation ni? what if dia langgar kita? what the hell?! kalau you nak exit kiri, masukla the left lane awal2, or at least the middle lane. ini tak, from the farthest right lane, trus swerve  to the left. isnt that endangering other drivers too? inila satu lagi sikap ignorant malaysian drivers.

5. no doubt, motorcyclists are such a nuisance. bukan nak hina. maybe itu saja mode of transport diorang. tapi, kita car drivers banyak tolerate ngan diorang. especially abang-abang yang bawak wife and anak-anak, ataupun pakcik-pakcik yang bawak makcik-makcik. kesian tengok. tapi ada jgk daredevils yang bodoh nak tunjuk lagak rempit dia. kadang-kadang tu dah ada special lane for motorbikes tapi diorg nak jgk masuk highways. taktau la kenapa bengap sangat.

6. satu lagi nak marah, kereta yang suka sangat hit the brakes. tau tak bahaya kat org belakang? kita tak bleh nak agak you bila you brake main-main or you brake for real. tu yang kadang-kadang tiba-tiba je kena emergency brake sebab org depan brake without reason. ada batu kecik pon nak brake sampai berasap! and sometimes that is the cause of pile-up accidents. cuba teka yang suke brake ni sape? mestila women drivers! ****!!

so, agree tak dengan facts saya ni? rasanya banyak lagi. tapi idea ni datang bila tgh drive je. kalau ada lagi, tolong la tambah hehe

the future

hello..

enjoy my rambles for the night ok =)

I

i just came back from an open house hosted by the “elite government officers” group in the heart of KL. abah insisted us to tag along so that we dont have to cook for dinner tonight and there would be variety and scrumptious food there for us to indulge. many top guns, big shots and VIPs were there. tan sri this, tan sri that, datuk this and datuk that. they are from the non-political background.

abah was one of them. ”was” because he is already retired and enjoying his freedom at home now. his everyday official attire will be the white pagoda shirt and kain pelikat. he would sweep the garden, water the plant or just chill with a newspaper in his hand. 

when we arrived at the venue just now although we were few minutes behind schedule due to unnecessary traffic jam on the way, we were warmly greeted by the committees. later, few of abah’s friends spotted him and they quickly greeted him, shook his hand, gave the old man a hug and took us to the main table with other VIPs. the MC also announced abah’s name and everybody clapped their hands. we were quite embarassed and hid our heads under the tablecloth. thats just merely exaggerations hehe behave, my dear =) while abah took quite some time to his seat as he had to shake everybody’s hands.

as a daughter of a well known father, i am proud. not in an arrogant manner. proud that he is respected, and still respected although he is already retired. proud that people respected, appreciated, honoured his works, contributions; his wholeself.  proud that everybody look up on him although he is only few inches taller than me hehe yeah, petiteness. like daughter, like father hehe

for my siblings and i, surely it is an advantage being his children. we were not spoiled or pampered but we were “helped” in various means of ways and channels. we did not have to be in long queues to get our documents ready. please dont give that stare and mumble anything bad bout us. we do have to go along the same process as others, it is just that only few short cuts taken. there are no difference. just a little bit of advantage. like the saying goes, opportunity never knocks twice =)

as what i observed tonight, i think i can never be like abah. however, wisdom comes with age and experience. but contrary to popular believes that grey hairs are also included in the package hehe anyway,  i, myself do not know where will i be in the future. where will i stand. whom will i be. will i be like abah? young people, young blood, in this new generation might think differently than those in the yesteryears. they think deep. they think wisely. young ones nowadays just dashed in to everything. and later regret.

insya allah, a little of mama and a little bit of abah complete me. oh ya, just minus the naggings and babbles ya =)

*****

II

i bumped into a friend’s blog today. i did not know he had a blog. i enjoyed reading his stories. from an update to another. i got so carried away and clicked on every link on the list of his friends’ blog. from a blog to another blog. imagine an old man fell asleep while the wind blew his sail to the middle of the sea. when he woke up, he realized that he was already far from the shore. luckily it was a motorboat equipped with whatever-horsepower engine. so he ignited his engine and sped off to the shore. hey hey, its just an exaggeration ok. i was drifted away reading other bloggers’ stories until i forgot to finish up my work hehe lucky thing, it was not an urgent matter. i can continue on monday hehe

ok, back to the story. actually, i stumbled upon one blog. i do not know him personally. but by reading his stories one after another, i eventually seems to know him by heart. i think its because he wrote very well. i clicked on “DIA” under his tags lists. a page full of updates regarding “DIA” popped out. i read one by one. they were his love stories with his loved ones whom he named as “DIA”. “DIA” means him/her or he/she. so in this case, i assume as a her/she.  and so, i indulged into his love life, from a man’s point of view, his perspective, his feelings. started off with how the cupid shot the arrows to both of them, the lovey dovey-ness feelings when everything is about me and you, until the last post where he had to break up with the girl which i dont quite understand what is the real issue/matter. from what i can guess is that the girl’s mother disapproves their relationship. poor thing.

anyway, my point here is that bloggers choose to blog because of various reasons. usually blogs are where bloggers spill out their feelings and what their mind speaks. satisfaction, disapproval, denial, intuition, or whatever issues that crossed their minds will be written in the blog. just a tiny space for their voice to be heard. just like me. for a loyal friend who listens. a place for ownself to express creativity. apparently, the blogger i mentioned above is expressing his feelings and love towards a girl.

me on the other hand never wrote anything about love. love can be interpreted in many ways. love can be reflected towards anybody, anything. i admit, i do write about love. love for my family, love for my grandpas. love for Allah. however, i never mentioned any love towards a person. a person from the opposite gender. whom i should call the significant other. simply because i have none. poor thing.

at my age, friends are already serious in their love relationship or either engaged. some are already married. whereas i am still searching. what an irony. i must say that i am a complete package here except some discounts on the height hehe oppss sorry, before that, i am not trying to ”sell” myself here and calling myself a desperado. NO. im just sharing because i believe in Allah, that He has everything in order for me. its just a matter of time. patience is the key. i never stopped praying for His miracles. everybody will get their share. as i said, its just a matter of time. no harm in giving time some time. right?

i was once in a relationship. we were serious. somehow, gradually, he changed. i do not know why he was so cold. later, i found out there was a third person. it was not the girl’s fault. it was him. im sorry. this is the first time im revealing this bitter memories i’ve been keeping long enough in the brain. i need to empty the recycle bin too. anyway, you cant imagine how devastated i was. my heart crushed, real bad. imagining of how much of everything i’ve given to him. but not virginity ya. so, what is still lacking?

i still remember locking up myself in the room for the whole day. mama and abah were worried but they made some way for me to clear off myself. i didnt take my shower. not a single food or water i consumed. but litres and litres of teardrops i shed. for what? for him? NO. for my satisfaction. the next day, i was very positive. i was energized and ready for work. its because i believe i have Allah. that was what keeps me going and alive till today. i still have my senses. until today, i dont hold any grudges towards him or any other man. everybody has their share. one day we are on the top, the next day, who knows. but dear God knows. i’ll leave it to Him.

i am ready for the next chapter. its been over a year already. im already over it. i never thought that i was so strong. lucky thing  i have mama and abah who really lifted me up and always stand behind my back. they have been very sporting and understanding. i remembered abah rubbed me on the head, “its ok adik. there is a blessing in disguise. you will find a better one. abah and mama always pray for you”. oh dear, teardrops were like waterfall at that time. mama has always been the faithful listener and offered her shoulder for me to cry on whenever he “bitches” me. abgis and kaknurul are also my cheerleaders. they really supported me. technology helped them to console me. i remembered before their departure, kaknurul hugged me at the airport and whispered in my ears, “be strong adik”. and i understand. and waterfalls of salty tears gushed down from the already “panda eyes”.

i never wanted to look back. it was too bitter. if i am given a chance to turn back time, i would want to turn the dial to the time when i never know him and will never know him. but Allah is Great. for whatever reason it was, like abah said, it was a blessing in disguise. Allah knows best. He wants us to venture out. knowing the people, and learn. with that experience, i can now differentiate and analyze people of whom i should avoid ad whom i should approach or accept. but i dont stop there. i am still in the pursuit of happiness. i believe it is somewhere. some people say, actually, the significant other is very near to us. but we cant really see them until God has fated for the two to meet.

insya allah. its just a matter of time. and lots and lots of prayers to Mighty and Gracious Him. 

p/s: oh dear, another pathetic entry. sorry!!

screaming out loud in the vacuum

i am an underdog. having the least of everything.

popularity, fame, power, beauty, and more likely, MONEY.

and i dont have that sense of humor. or even that killer smile.

or that high class taste, where my everyday vocabs would be LV, BURBERRY, GUCCI, DKNY or even PARIS HILTON.

i just dont have that UMPHH!

i dont have my own cliques, calling each other BFFs. taking pictures cheeks to cheeks. having slumber party every weekend. or hanging out at kopitiams and catch up on latest juicy gossips.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S..i think i have none.

was i forgotten? uninvited? or was i ALWAYS at the wrong place and at the wrong time? 

or they must have been deleted me from their memory box already. 

maybe i was fated to be like the dodo bird. extinct.

or is it just a conflict between the heart and the brain? nonsense.

not writing for sympathy. or fooling self in public. or trying to drum in your attentions. it is just too heavy. sometimes the heart does cry. when their smiles and laughters are your nightmares.

i’m just far from thoughts.

am i a pain in the ass?

well, right now, just call me pathetic, its my middle name. 

 

 

eid mubarak

happy eid mubarak everybody!

hows yours?

mine’s great!!

we celebrated the syawal at grandma’s house up north. the journey was long and hectic but we had fun and enjoyed ourselves. we made stupid jokes along the way just to chase the boredom and tension away. the traffic was so heavy and stressful. alhamdulillah there were no accidents at all. everybody was being very patient and extra careful on the road this year. they hit the brakes most of time which caused massive traffic jam. slow drivers driving on the fast lane also caused the jam. the roads can be seen like a sea of piled up vehicles. engines roaring but the drivers were still smiling as their mind were already in kampung. everybody was already in the mood of celebrating the festive with their loved ones.

that was me driving

that was me again, and the brat playing with my toy

yes, this is abah, whom i always talk about

mama and another brat

before reaching kampung, we made a stop at penang just to take home the famous penang nasi kandar. we have been craving for the originality for many months already. the smell of the fish curry made our salivas drool and the stomachs growled even louder hehe and that night, we broke our fast on the last day of ramadhan with these..

 

charcoal-grilled meat

chicken curry with potatoes

the star of the night, ketupat palas

the next morning, the 1st of syawal was celebrated. be it the old or the young ones, put on their best clothes and getting ready for guests to come. the younger ones asking for forgiveness from the old. and duit raya exchanging hands.. 

kampung boys

..and their raya pose

beloved grandma, tok

and photos of us, again.. =D

abah, again.. =D

mama, again.. =D

brat no.1

 

brat no.2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh ya..i forgot, we also had an uninvited guest that morning. but he was the most faithful..

we called him "sabun"

the next night, we went to kepala batas in penang. families on mama’s side gathered at one of our aunt’s house. this was where the scene was most happening. we created havoc and chaos at the area hehe just look at us..

 

favourite cousins

"bunga api" lineup

 

beloved cousins

went cranky with bunga api

mind the pose, people =D

cutest bunga api player, adorable uncle, pakmat

what a celebration to remember! we really had fun! not any more words can express our feelings other than EXCITEMENT! we enjoyed the company and get-togetherness. we exchanged stories and shared the laughs.

we end our journey by visiting late grandpas’ and grandma’s graves. we recited yasin for them. by visiting their graves really reminds me of whom my creator is and where do i belong. i hold back my tears when abah read the doa for them. reminds me of those days when they were still alive. insya allah we will meet again , someday..

alhamdulillah, we had a blessful and blissful syawal too. for all the food, laughters and loves by everybody. thank you for enduring the journey of my syawal hehe

wishing everyone a happy eid mubarak. maaf zahir dan batin. dont stuff yourselves with too much of lemang and rendang, or else, you will have to pay regular visits the loo hehe and please, to all drivers out there, do not be a lousy and ignorant drivers. remember your loved ones!

thank you friends, for sending me raya wishes through SMSes. thought is the best appreciation. THANK YOU.

abangiz, kaknurul, aisya and adlina, we do miss you guys a lot. there will be more raya to come for us to celebrate together. but we are really looking forward to this november! =)

“jangan sedih pagi ini

tak dapat kita bersama

meraikan aidilfitri yang mulia..”

(snippets from Sudirman’s Raya Song)

love,

kimamima